So, sometimes I can be a little over dramatic and a bit hormonal. My hair really doesn't look as bad as I thought it did last week. whew!

I had an amazing trip to Utah! I went to General Conference and balled my eyes out during Elder Holland's talk. I love feeling the spirit any time, but it is completely special when you know that there are thousands of people around you that are feeling the exact same thing. On Monday I saw the Weber State campus in Ogden. It was beautiful! I love the mountains and Salt Lake, if only it weren't so cold there. While I loved the Weber State campus I still can't decide what my next step should be. USU? WSU? I just have no idea! I am so grateful for my parents patience with me the last 10 months since I graduated and all that they've done for me this year but I'm beginning to feel like I need out, but of course that requires money and courage. I am so afraid that I will make my first real step into adulthood and I will completely fall on my face. I feel like I should know how to make the right decisions and be a"big girl" because my parents have taught me so well, but I feel like I'm still just a dumb kid that doesn't want to disappoint mommy and daddy. But right now, I don't even have the option of falling on my face because I don't have a plan. If I had a game plan I could at least test out the waters and hope that I swim instead of sinking. So where to I go from living at home with my parents and going to community college? I know where I want to end up in the end, but how do I get there. How exactly do I go from being a dumb kid to being an adult with a place of my own, a degree, a teaching job, and a family? I guess the only answer I have for now is to take things one step at a time. So my next step is to try and find a job and figure out what my step from there will be and remember that it really is best that we're not "compelled in all things".

I've been accused before of being materialistic because I like clothes, purses, and other pretty things. But, people just don't understand that that's not it at all. Wearing pretty things and having nice clothes makes me feel pretty when I feel like an icky blob that people are staring at. The last couple of years I've learned to really love my hair and I've learned how to make it cute. I absolutely loved having an A-line cut. It made me feel cute, sassy, and completely fun. But, recently I've tried to embrace the concept of change and not getting to comfortable. Unfortunately my desire to change led me to standing in my bathroom sobbing yesterday. Yes, I did it! I got my hair cut! I've always been a fan of fairly short hair, but I've found out there a point at which hair (at least on me) is too short. I've always hated girls that cried over getting their haircut, but yesterday I became one of them. I realize that this may sound stupid, but yesterday when I stood in my bathroom sobbing, I felt like I'd lost the person I've worked so hard to become recently. So what will I do with the next 8 weeks until I get my A-line back? How do I begin to feel pretty again? Maybe I should finally commit to fixing the problem that is at the root of my desire to be beautiful. I need to commit to losing weight (again) so that I can live up to my potential, live a long and happy life, and be able t do all the things I've always dreamed of. I really hate my hair right now, but maybe it has helped me realized that I can't hide behind my clothes, my purses, my sparkly earrings, or hair any longer.

I hate public speaking and I really dislike my communications class. I understand that you have to learn how to properly communicate before you can become a teacher, but speaking to kids and a ton of other adults you don't really know is completely different. At least when I speak at church I feel like I'm loved and my talk will be totally forgotten by the nest Sunday's meetings anyway. I have a speech at 12 p.m. and the professor for my 10:30 a.m. class didn't show up. So, now I have and hour and a half to kill (currently 45 min. down 45 to go) and worry about my speech. Sometimes I hate that we wish for things all the time (like for class to be cancelled) and then the one day it is you really wanted to have class to keep your mind off the bad, scary, or nerve racking things. ugghhh...

Now that I have complained enough for the next 24 hours, what good things have happened to me today? Umm? I think I did really well on my Marriage and Family test thanks to my great notes! woo! Now that I've taken my Marriage and Family test the only other test I have this week is Child Development and that's open note too! woo hoo! Let's see...what else? I scheduled an optometry appointment, so on the ninth I'll figure out whether or not the headaches I've been having are because I need new glasses.

2009 has been such a great year so far. I have been blessed tremendously. My sister in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on January 26th. I now have 4 nieces and a nephew. My sister is 6 months pregnant with a baby boy named Joseph Dale and I couldn't be more excited! I really hope that my other sister and her husband get a baby this year. They want so badly to be parents again and have been waiting for such a long time. I can't imagine how stressful the adoption process must be on their marriage. Although I am still living with my parents and I don't have a job yet, I feel like I've grown a lot the past few months. I really didn't want to start going o the singles branch because I HATE socializing and meeting new people, but it has really helped me. I think after I graduated High School and seminary I was stuck in a 6 month long rut in which I only really had like 3 friends i still talked too and I went to school. I really think that I got too comfortable with my life and I wasn't progressing spiritually or emotionally. Lately, I have been feeling the spirit more and I've been a whole lot happier. If knowing who you are and realizing that you need to become better, then actually doing it isn't a fairy tale I don't think I'll ever know what a fairy tale is. That's it! Maybe fairy tales are dreams or goals that you accomplish and the act of accomplishing that thing makes you feel like you're on cloud nine.

I have to say my faith in fairy tales is beginning to be restored. Either that or Heavenly Father just knows that I was longing for a smooth patch in my life. I finally feel like I'm not constantly being judged because of my weight. Or maybe I am. But I'm confident enough now in who I am to not be ashamed. Heavenly Father loves me despite my weight, the number of friends I have, and my grades. Also, I'm finally beginning to love school. I've always loved learning, but I've never been willing before to work hard at school work because I hated going to school. I hated being the fat smart kid. But, I'm in college now and none of that matters anymore. I feel really blessed and I know that what some consider life's few fairy tale moments are really blessings from Heavenly Father and they can happen more often if we have faith and do his will.

I am so thankful that I know how to write and pull a paper out of my head quickly. We've always been told not to procrastinate and I know I shouldn't but sometimes it just works out. I absolutely cannot believe that Professor Stein gave me 110 points on a 100 point essay that I emailed to him the day after it was due! I've always been very panicky, but maybe I work best in a state of panic, either that or someone watching over me knew that I needed a confidence boost during finals week.


I am so happy I did well on my psych paper, but I am so stressed about my English class. I really want to do well on my career research paper because I've really put my heart into it, but a comment from a classmate that read my paper keeps nagging at me. She said, "I don't think that it was what the professor is looking for". What kind of crappy comment is that! Just because this girl wants to be a book editor, doesn't mean she can walk all over my paper. Uggghhh.... so much for constructive criticism!

I absolutely hate when teachers call their students lazy! I agree that sometimes we are and deserve to be called lazy. But, they have know idea what is going through our minds and what other things we have to deal with. I hate the teachers accuse their students of being lazy when they are toooo! Hypocrites! Most of the time I really enjoy my English class because I get really helpful feedback from professor Knudson and we have class discussions that actually enhance the class and make the work easier. However, one assignment has been eating at me for months (or maybe just a month). Instead of just grading our in-class midterm essays Dr. Knudson thought it would be a dandy idea if she didn't and returned them to us without being graded! What the heck is up with that? She also decided that we should each write an essay that grades, analyzes, and essentially picks apart our midterm essays! How freakin' ridiculous is that? Personally, I think that this assignment stems from her inner laziness! Maybe, she decided that she doesn't have to be productive any more just because she has a BA, 2 MAs, and a PhD! Well Excuse Me! It's not my fault she decided to get way too much education and become Pretty Heavily in Debt, instead of having a real life! I think that she didn't want to have to read our midterm essays and another essay on a different topic entirely and then grade them all; so, she decided that she would make us write an extra essay about our midterms. Its not like I don't have enough to do! I had a psychology paper due on Tuesday, finals are in like a week and a half, I have to write an essay for my philosophy class, i have to write for 1 page essays for my psych class, i had a math test on Wednesday, and the 2nd rough draft of our 11-15 page research papers (also in Knudson's class) is due tomorrow with the essay analyzing my midterm essay! uggghhh!