"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."

I've had many dreams about losing weight and living a "normal" life. Weight loss, and more importantly health, are no longer wishes my heart makes while I am fast asleep. My dreams are now becoming my reality, but accomplishing a dream doesn't come from simply wishing upon a star. To make a dream become reality there must be: motivation, determination, support, and sacrifice.

Whether extrinsic or intrinsic, positive or negative, we rarely do things without some kind of motivation or incentive. So, what is my motivation for losing weight, tracking every bite and nibble, and changing my lifestyle? I'd always dreamed of losing weight, so I could fit into smaller clothes, but it is so much more than that now. I still love buying smaller sizes and looking cute is a great extrinsic motivator, but the biggest motivations for me will last longer than this season's fads and a new pair of jeans. My biggest motivators are wanting to be able to keep up with my future classroom full of kindergartners, first or second graders, not dying at an early age of heart disease or a diabetes related illness, and not wanting to be on a constant emotional roller coaster because of what I ate and an addiction to food. My biggest short term motivators are wanting to be able to put my desk top up in an auditorium style classroom and being able to serve a mission.

I've known for almost two years that I'm supposed to prepare to serve a mission. But as much I have prepared and continue to spiritually prepare, my lack of physical preparedness is still my biggest obstacle. In order to serve a mission, I have to have a BMI of 37. As of Friday February 12, 2010, I am 69.4 lbs down, have 73.6 pounds to lose until I am mission eligible, and 150.6 to lose to reach goal. The journey hasn't been easy and will probably continue to get more difficult, but it is worth it! And when undulations arise in my winding road, I must look in the rear view mirror at the person I once was, to my road map for guidance and direction, and continue forward toward my final destination-- a compilation of all my hopes, dreams and hard work finally paid off.

I'm Back and Finally Ready to Share the Most Recent Fairy Tale!

So... I realized last week that the last seven months has possibly been the best (and hardest) seven months of my life, up to this point. We have so much to catch up on! Writing has always been something that has brought me comfort and peace, when I felt like everything in my life was completely insane and uncontrollable. But over the last few months, actually since I started my journey, I've almost completely abandoned it. I haven't been able to figure out why I'd stopped writing. I've realized that while the last seven months has not been easy, it's something I've had to do on my own and for myself. Actually, I haven't been completely alone. I've had help from my Heavenly Father, family, friends, and others; but in then end, it as been me making my own decisions, changing my lifestyle, and becoming the person I'm supposed to be. Even though I haven't been completely alone in my journey and have shared bits and piecesof my story in a few different meeting rooms, I haven't been ready to share my story with just anyone who wanted to read it. But I am now...I think....

So, I guess it's time to stop being mysterious, get to the point, and really talk about my "journey" and latest fairytale. As you all know from previous posts, I am overweight and have been my entire life. There is no one to blame but myself letting my weight become as large of a problem at is was (and still is), but I come from a long line of stress eaters and people who see food as a reward. Yes, I grew up learning bad eating habits. But I need to take responsibility for the fact that until a few months ago I did nothing to change my environment and behavior. Earlier in the year I found myself fretting over my weight more than I ever had and realized that if didn't make a change, I wasn't going to lead the life I wanted to or live up to my potential. Even though I'd thought about weight loss hundreds, if not thousands of times, I didn't think that I was capable of losing the weight naturally (through diet, and exercise). So, I began looking into quick-fix methods. I did tons of research and had practically decided on gastric bypass surgery , even though I knew I didn't have the support of most of my family. One day, not long after I talked to my parents about gastric bypass, I got an email from my cousin inviting (but not pressuring) me to come to her Weight Watchers meeting. And a few days later on June 26, 2009, I joined Weight Watchers.


I never thought I'd do this, but here it is: On June 26, 2009 I weighed it at my heaviest, 380 lbs. After just one week on program, on July 2, 2009 I'd lost 5.2 lbs and weighed in at 374.8 lbs. As of Friday February 5, 2010 I've lost a total of 65.6 lbs in 33 weeks. And I feel amazing. But, this journey hasn't been easy. The road has been bumpy, and long, and is now winding. But, this is a life long journey and I have no choice but to keep on chugging.

I promise, I won't wait 7 months to write again. See ya later in the week!

--The New, Improved, and Skinnier Krazy Kaylonnie

"It's a crazy life, but it's our life"

When I think of what has happened over the last 2 months since I last wrote a line from the opening credits of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" comes to mind: It's a crazy life, but it's our life. No, my parents are not getting a divorce and there aren't sextuplets in my family; but, it has been crazy in other ways. On April 27th my mom fell down half a flight and broke both her ankles. She had a bumpy ride to the hospital in the ambulance, followed by her first hospital stay in almost 19 years. The last time she stayed overnight in the hospital was when I was born. She has a metal plate and 4 titanium screws in her right ankle. Earlier this week (7 weeks since her accident) she seemed to be healing quite well, but she was having crazy bad abdominal and back pain followed by a full night of puking. She is back in the hospital with gall stones that inflamed her pancreas (pancreatitus). While the past 8 weeks has been difficult on my family (especially mom), I am grateful for all that it has taught me. I have seen more selfless service, Christ- like sacrifice, and familial strength than I have in long time. It's been eye opening to see my mom in a state where she is vulnerable, weak, and dependant on others. She is the most independent and strongest person I know. But, I'm grateful for Heavenly Father teaching me through her that we all need each other and him in order to be our best selves. It's been nice to see an other's weaknesses turned into strengths right before my very eyes and the miracles that happen when we serve and accept service.

Some other things I've learned recently are the blessings that come from following the promptings of the spirit and the importance of being anxiously engaged in good. I have so much to be grateful for. My family is stronger than ever, I have a new calling that I'm completely excited about, I am looking forward to being on the institute council this semester, and I am looking forward to what is to come in the future. I finally feel like my life is going somewhere and I love it! I did better in school this semester, than I've done in years. I have a plan and a direction for my life and I've never been happier.

So, sometimes I can be a little over dramatic and a bit hormonal. My hair really doesn't look as bad as I thought it did last week. whew!

I had an amazing trip to Utah! I went to General Conference and balled my eyes out during Elder Holland's talk. I love feeling the spirit any time, but it is completely special when you know that there are thousands of people around you that are feeling the exact same thing. On Monday I saw the Weber State campus in Ogden. It was beautiful! I love the mountains and Salt Lake, if only it weren't so cold there. While I loved the Weber State campus I still can't decide what my next step should be. USU? WSU? I just have no idea! I am so grateful for my parents patience with me the last 10 months since I graduated and all that they've done for me this year but I'm beginning to feel like I need out, but of course that requires money and courage. I am so afraid that I will make my first real step into adulthood and I will completely fall on my face. I feel like I should know how to make the right decisions and be a"big girl" because my parents have taught me so well, but I feel like I'm still just a dumb kid that doesn't want to disappoint mommy and daddy. But right now, I don't even have the option of falling on my face because I don't have a plan. If I had a game plan I could at least test out the waters and hope that I swim instead of sinking. So where to I go from living at home with my parents and going to community college? I know where I want to end up in the end, but how do I get there. How exactly do I go from being a dumb kid to being an adult with a place of my own, a degree, a teaching job, and a family? I guess the only answer I have for now is to take things one step at a time. So my next step is to try and find a job and figure out what my step from there will be and remember that it really is best that we're not "compelled in all things".

I've been accused before of being materialistic because I like clothes, purses, and other pretty things. But, people just don't understand that that's not it at all. Wearing pretty things and having nice clothes makes me feel pretty when I feel like an icky blob that people are staring at. The last couple of years I've learned to really love my hair and I've learned how to make it cute. I absolutely loved having an A-line cut. It made me feel cute, sassy, and completely fun. But, recently I've tried to embrace the concept of change and not getting to comfortable. Unfortunately my desire to change led me to standing in my bathroom sobbing yesterday. Yes, I did it! I got my hair cut! I've always been a fan of fairly short hair, but I've found out there a point at which hair (at least on me) is too short. I've always hated girls that cried over getting their haircut, but yesterday I became one of them. I realize that this may sound stupid, but yesterday when I stood in my bathroom sobbing, I felt like I'd lost the person I've worked so hard to become recently. So what will I do with the next 8 weeks until I get my A-line back? How do I begin to feel pretty again? Maybe I should finally commit to fixing the problem that is at the root of my desire to be beautiful. I need to commit to losing weight (again) so that I can live up to my potential, live a long and happy life, and be able t do all the things I've always dreamed of. I really hate my hair right now, but maybe it has helped me realized that I can't hide behind my clothes, my purses, my sparkly earrings, or hair any longer.

I hate public speaking and I really dislike my communications class. I understand that you have to learn how to properly communicate before you can become a teacher, but speaking to kids and a ton of other adults you don't really know is completely different. At least when I speak at church I feel like I'm loved and my talk will be totally forgotten by the nest Sunday's meetings anyway. I have a speech at 12 p.m. and the professor for my 10:30 a.m. class didn't show up. So, now I have and hour and a half to kill (currently 45 min. down 45 to go) and worry about my speech. Sometimes I hate that we wish for things all the time (like for class to be cancelled) and then the one day it is you really wanted to have class to keep your mind off the bad, scary, or nerve racking things. ugghhh...

Now that I have complained enough for the next 24 hours, what good things have happened to me today? Umm? I think I did really well on my Marriage and Family test thanks to my great notes! woo! Now that I've taken my Marriage and Family test the only other test I have this week is Child Development and that's open note too! woo hoo! Let's see...what else? I scheduled an optometry appointment, so on the ninth I'll figure out whether or not the headaches I've been having are because I need new glasses.

2009 has been such a great year so far. I have been blessed tremendously. My sister in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on January 26th. I now have 4 nieces and a nephew. My sister is 6 months pregnant with a baby boy named Joseph Dale and I couldn't be more excited! I really hope that my other sister and her husband get a baby this year. They want so badly to be parents again and have been waiting for such a long time. I can't imagine how stressful the adoption process must be on their marriage. Although I am still living with my parents and I don't have a job yet, I feel like I've grown a lot the past few months. I really didn't want to start going o the singles branch because I HATE socializing and meeting new people, but it has really helped me. I think after I graduated High School and seminary I was stuck in a 6 month long rut in which I only really had like 3 friends i still talked too and I went to school. I really think that I got too comfortable with my life and I wasn't progressing spiritually or emotionally. Lately, I have been feeling the spirit more and I've been a whole lot happier. If knowing who you are and realizing that you need to become better, then actually doing it isn't a fairy tale I don't think I'll ever know what a fairy tale is. That's it! Maybe fairy tales are dreams or goals that you accomplish and the act of accomplishing that thing makes you feel like you're on cloud nine.